We're leaving New York. Strangely, knowing that has helped me enjoy the craziness of this place more for the past couple of weeks.
I'm still figuring many things out. I feel like I have lost a lot in this place and in the past eight months. But, other things have been gained and some of what was lost is hopefully recoverable, reparable, renewable. In any case, I've learned a lot about gilt and guilt and how to live with both. So many of the lessons of New York are hard. I learn to push and to speak loudly when I'd rather be quiet. I learn to harden and walk away.
This place isn't the person I want to be. It doesn't offer the life I want to cultivate.
So I am glad to be moving to a small place full of green and snow and apples. We'll see what will become there. I don't have to become the next big thing by fifteen minutes from now.
I guess the best thing though is that this year has given me one really *good* lesson. I give myself permission. To write. To say no. To say yes. To email strangers on business. To ask what you really mean. To believe the impossible on a daily basis. To have opinions that aren't agreement. Bending like a reed is not the only way to be. I think this notion and its acceptance will help a lot of things in any place.
Gratitude smoothes out the grit and I am suffused with springtime anticipation of this next adventure. One that I hope won't just be a jarring interlude but a life.