I am the tiny witness

Last night I tuned out as candidates argued. I felt guilty but not engaged. On the walk home, I got wound back into the vividness of life when I learned that a dear friend of mine brought new life into this world. (Congratulations and Wow and more than I can say.)

This morning I was by turns delayed, confused, side tracked, and trapped underground on my way to work. I never even made it in time to teach my first class. Hundreds of us were interrupted this morning because of an "incident" on a particular subway line. Whispers of speculation accompanied the groans of protest all along the city. When I found my way to my quiet office, I found out what happened. A man jumped in front of a 1 train in the dark morning today. He died.

Then I taught my class and went home. But as I go about my Tuesday afternoon, I am acutely aware that things are going on that are bigger than my own concerns. Humbled, awed, and overwhelmed is the only way I can go through this life.  Perspective makes me know that I am small, but I am grateful.

How are you?

Into the labyrinth

I've not posted in far too long. Many things have happened. I'll bullet point the recap and try to remember if anyone is reading.

-I got the degree. Whoa. Ph.D.

Turns out there is an upshot to this one. My mood has been generally much better since finishing. I hadn't known how heavy it was to carry this multi-year process all the time. I also think about more things now and feel like I can change directions in my life. It is more freedom than I've ever had as an adult (fake adult really).

-Moving to NYC

I barely know what to say about this one since it still a relatively unknown phenomenon. The move happens in 6 days. I'm stoked as all get out for about 50 dozen reasons.

-Spiritual renewal and inspiration

This began on my last day of official work for the summer though it had been germinating before then. My bursts of energy towards spirituality happen periodically and most often during summers. Each time I progress a little further, but this time I'm not getting derailed by fear or anxiety. This is a huge step.

That's the background. We'll see what happens next. As for the inside of my mind right now, it is a bit too busy and a bit too naked for public consumption right now. Check back soon. I have a feeling stuff is happening.

What oughta be famous won't be

There are so many patterns that I see that I do not feel like I can ever say. What you think of as pricelessly unique has a near clone in three other states (in the US or of matter, take your pick).

I don't even know why this makes me angry tonight. It does though.

There are so many people chasing down a life: a good life, or an interesting one, or even just one that they think has a reasonable chance of some paltry amount of self-expression or stretching past the age of 60.

For every room full of beautiful people (or smart ones) there are a lot more flaming wrecks or quiet desperations than landings that stick.

I don't see much logic in it. It isn't that the most talent wins or that the character sheet with the most dots on it gets to be happy.

I hope there isn't a reason you haven't called.

Some sketches.

Taste, competence, and a brain that hits like brass knuckles, wrapped up with a glorious face and lovely figure. Struggling and hitting her potential against a brick wall with not enough talking and too much listening. I see how much more she does with less than certain household names (in our small circles). I see the same lips and cheeks and challenge, but only one of them has an eccentric empire. The only thing that I can see that my friend lacks, in this particular instance, is vanity (which has significantly derailed the lives of boatloads of other acquaintances). How is that the key?

Another soul. He rebuilding himself because he doesn't actually want to die of bad choices at the guttering end of youth. Still, he knows his business from ant to ant farm to the factory that builds ant farms and the strange little man who thought it all up. I know a newcomer to the same world who fell into it sideways (smelling like a bad diner and tragedy) whose reputation has a certain hot air balloon quality. This house of cards has money (or maybe it is debt) and trust and chances that the skillful not-quite-anti-hero will never have. He has dried beans.

I don't know. The woman I know with the best luck in terms of resources: social skills, code switching, raw IQ, amazing will power, and make-a-sucker-walk-off-a-sheer-cliff good looks, is miserable. All. of. the. time. Stalled and treading water in a field that is probably collapsing with terrible taste in men. So many people have significantly terrible taste in men.

Eh. I probably shouldn't be writing any of these things. People might recognize themselves or be sad that they don't. I know plenty of floundering individuals that keep their cross-hairs aimed at their own two left feet. Yeah. I think it.

Anyhow. Uncertainty has shaken me up this week, but so has inertia. I have opinions about it all, but mostly I won't tell.